Although I am no longer in South Africa I’m going to continue to use this blog as a vessel from which I can throw my thoughts into cyberspace. The topic of discussion for today is parents and sports, specifically how parents should approach sports with their kids. I have both seen and experienced for myself loved ones holding unrealistic expectations for their kids. Adults may feel angry when their child messes up on the field or court, scream at the kid, or endlessly critique the player when they get home from the game. Here are a few thoughts in response to these people: 1. the kids probably don’t want to hear from you about how they messed up. 2. You probably aren’t doing anything except looking ridiculous. 3. How well your kid does is not a reflection of your parenting skills. 4. Players are going to mess up. That’s life.

1.Here is the nature of sports: when you mess up you know about it and probably feel worse than anyone. The last thing a player wants to do when they get home is relive again and again how they messed up. They know how they messed up, and you lecturing them is not going to make the problem go away or make them a better player. Really all a player wants from their loved ones is for them to say they are proud of them and that they enjoy watching them play. For example, when I played basketball in high school one game I had 35 points but had a rough time with free throws. There were some people who were like, “Good job, now you just need to learn to shoot free throws.” Why did they need to say that? I didn’t want to hear it and it definitely didn’t help me shoot free throws. It was exhausting trying to live up to all of these expectations people had for me that I couldn’t accomplish. I’ll end this point by saying kids shouldn’t dread talking to loved ones after a game. A home should be a safe haven where kids can get away from all the people talking negatively about them, not a source for more anxiety and questions of self-worth.

2. As I alluded to in the previous point, parental critiques are not helpful. I’m sure the coach has already talked to the player about the mistake, so you’re really just beating a dead horse by saying it again. Also, I’ve heard some very unintelligent advice in my life. For example, “Make your free throws!” “Stop turning it over!” “Tackle better!” “Come on!” These are not constructive. The player will never say, “Oh, I see. Since you told me to make my free throws now I will never miss.” No. That’s not how it works. Screaming at your kid during a game might make you feel better, but trust me it is not making them play better. If anything it is making them more nervous about letting you down. So be careful what you say, you just might be sounding foolish and hurtful.

3. Parents, your child’s performance cannot determine your joy and identity. If your kid plays poorly you are not going to be the laughingstock of the town. Your parenting skills are not the reason why your child had a good or bad game. I see this especially with fathers, where they see their son or daughter as a reflection of themselves. They like puffing out their chest saying, “That’s my boy, or that’s my girl”. Really they are thinking, “My kid is better than yours.” Its kind of like when little kids say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” And there is a great deal of pride in that statement, and boy! do men hate having their pride challenged. But think about how much pressure that puts on the player and the damage that can cause. The player is playing for a lot of people: the coach, the team, the school, etc. They know that if they mess up they could potentially get yelled at by the coach, they might upset their teammates, and kids at school might give them a hard time about it. That’s a lot of stuff! They don’t need to add in the fear of letting their parents down to the mix.  I understand that everyone wants their kids to be successful, but there must be some deep insecurities if their worth as a parent is shaken by their child’s performance in a sporting event.

4. This might come as a shock, but players make mistakes. I can’t think of any player in history who did everything exactly perfect in a game. So expecting your kid to do everything correctly is an unrealistic and absurd expectation. The question then is how can parents react when things go poorly? A key thing would be to not bring up the negatives, especially if you don’t also mention the positives. Imagine a parent watching their child in a concert and after the show going up to them and saying, “Man, you really butchered that C note.” You would probably think that that parent is very rude and inconsiderate of the effort they put into the show. So why is it different in sports? After a concert it is expected that you tell them good job, you enjoyed watching them perform, and you can tell that they worked hard. I don’t think it should be any different after a sporting event. Kids should enjoy playing the sport, and parents should enjoy watching them have fun. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t care about winning or performance. Those are important, but they shouldn’t be more important than the relationship that you have with your loved one.

I’ll end with a question. At the end of the day what is more important: that your kid performs well in their sport, or that your kid knows that you love and are proud of them, and that their performance on the field doesn’t determine how much you love them?

Stay tuned for my next post about how Jesus restores these broken relationships.